Let's Talk About Auston Matthews' Moustache

Image: TSN

NHL hockey is back from the void and the Toronto Maple Leafs are still alive.

That’s the good news for fans of this franchise.

The (potentially) bad news is this year, winning round one merely gets you into the playoffs. It doesn’t count as playoff hockey, not technically.

Like a lot of fun events slated for 2020, the NHL season has scrambled to salvage what’s left. The best it could do was give bubble teams—the ones just outside of playoff contention—a decent chance to vie for the Stanley Cup with a “qualifier round.” The winners of this best-of-five series then take on the bigger dogs, who’ll have already played out their own series for top seeding. The Capitals, Lightnings, those guys.

The Leafs flirted with a playoff birth all season, and now they’re one win away from getting in. Again, to all sports fans who’ve checked out—and we don’t blame you—“getting in” within this context means “getting into” a bracket-style playoff. When that starts, it’ll go first round, second round, conference finals, then the big one, and all series are best of seven. It’s not normal NHL playoff hockey, but it’ll have to do this year.

If the Leafs beat a well-oiled Blue Jackets team tonight, it’ll likely be on back of their main man, Auston Matthews. This animal was on a tear before COVID hit, with a Richard trophy well in sight, too. But are we shocked? This guy’s a first overall pick. He’s been compared to any great you can name. He’s got it all—size, hands and IQ.

But this is Toronto, a city that represents pro hockey in every marketing sense imaginable yet hasn’t managed to produce a championship since 1967, when the Beatles ruled the world and Vietnam the headlines.

In Toronto, they’ll eat you alive lest you elude your potential. But the Auston Matthews of those first round bow-outs to Boston isn’t around anymore. And while his corner people won’t say this, the athletic monster that is Auston Matthews didn’t show up against the bruising Bruins the last two years, the team who’s made a business out of neutralizing your guy.

One can then understand why Leafs fans wanted nothing short of beast mode last Friday night. Matthews delivered, and found a way through Columbus’ disciplined defence for a goal and couple of head-turning assists. He made it happen in a comeback win, and his momentum’s now palpable. He’s finally looking like the guy who can’t be neutralized when it counts the most.

How long will it last?

Who knows, but what’s for sure is things are different with Arizonian now, and it’s not just us who’s noticed it.

He’s topped his game this year, and that’s obvious, but we’re not here to talk hockey stats.

We’re here to talk moustaches.

In sporting terms, Auston Matthews is basically a kid at 22-years-old. A lot of “guys” his age today are sweating through finals while he plays puck for millions. He knows what’s expected of him, too. To Toronto’s faithful, Matthews is the next best thing since the great Swede, Mats Sundin. But with respect to Mats Sundin, Auston Matthews pulls off dekes that’d make Mario Lemieux look twice. He makes jokes in his interviews, too, and he knows what not to say and how to say the rest. And all this after that thing last year in which he allegedly mooned a female security guard while smashed with his friends in Scottsdale.

At 22, he’s taking all this with the nerves of a mercenary.

We could fly through Auston Matthews’ disgusting numbers, but if you ask us, his moustache gives him more moxie than we’ve thought. Ever since Matthews has rocked facial hair on the regular, he’s had more oomph, more aplomb.

It’s no revelation that facial hair gives a guy more balls. But what’s great about making such a statement is that empirical evidence can help back it up. In 2017, researchers at The University of Glasgow studied just how facial hair affects the perception of a dude. Although their findings showed that face shape plays a role, generally, facial hair is more attractive and considered to convey more dominance.

But let’s take note of the fact it mostly references beards. You won’t find a lot of data on moustaches, and that’s what makes them so interesting (or maybe even the apex of facial hairstyles, depending on who’s sporting one). Ask the average group of women or gay men if they prefer moustaches or beards, and beards might win.

But if you can look good with a moustache, that’s next level.

Say what you want, spice venom at them, but moustaches are cool. And those of us who want to should wear them more than once a year, even though Movember’s a noble cause.

Matthews knows his moustache works, too, and he said as much with the kind of directness a guy with a moustache has: “You know, the feedback’s been hit or miss, but to be honest, I don’t really care,” was what he said a year ago on Sportsnet with a smile.

“I didn’t think it was thick enough to make an impact, but I “Just-For-Men’ed”—I dyed it—and now it’s picking up some heat.”

He knows they’re not something a man wears, but something he pulls off (not unlike the turtleneck sweater/suit combinations he’s been known for).

And they’re usually pulled off by guys who can take it. Right now, Auston Matthews has been playing and talking like a guy who’s ready to claim his seat at the table of the elite.

Not every man can look good in a moustache, and yet some are born for them. Look at Tom Selleck and Freddie Mercury.

Or Auston Matthews.